Recently, one of the hottest trending articles on BuzzFeed was a picture collection of "The 18 Worst Things For Left-Handed People." I clicked on this story with the index finger of my dominant right hand. It was quite easy. I would do it again.
The collection was cleverly put together by BuzzFeed editor Katie Notopoulos and featured simple things that, at least to us righties, aren't normally such a big deal. Clearly, this is because we are the chosen ones.
Fortunately, I was chosen to do very little, and it works rather well with my current lifestyle. So long as we agree that power-binging on "Breaking Bad" counts as a lifestyle.
Actually, to be completely fair, there's probably better evidence suggesting that, disproportionately, lefties are far more destined for greatness. Consider, for example, that not only is Oprah Winfrey a lefty, but so too are three of our past four presidents. Plus they also get to claim Jimi Hendrix.
And really, that's the one that counts. In a fantasy lefty draft, Hendrix goes first. And that's also about as far as the draft goes before somebody asks, "Wait, why are we doing this?"
All that said, our world is custom-fit for righties, and nobody would willingly choose to be left-handed. There's no tangible advantage. Unless, I suppose, you strategically parlay having a naturally weaker handshake into low performance expectations at the office. Which, mind you, isn't a horrible idea.
My motto: Promise mediocrity. Deliver just slightly better.
"Nice job, Jarrett. This is ... decent."
Sports are arguably the only place where being a lefty might have benefits. Baseball needs left-handed pitchers. Soccer needs left-footed wingers and backs. And apparently there's a great advantage to being left-handed in fencing. But none of these translate into the real world, and one of the sports is, well, fencing.
Understandably, then, lefties have a bit of a complex. Enough so that they've even created their own holiday on August 13. National Left Handers Day. Apparently they celebrate by spending the whole afternoon not being able to cut things with scissors.
"I couldn't do it! Hurrah!"
Righties, on the other hand (ugh -- I can't believe I just wrote that), don't have a holiday, and that seems a little unfair. We're people, too! Thus, I hereby declare July 27 as National Right Handed Pride Day. Our official Twitter hashtag: #CraigFerguson
(For absolutely no good reason whatsoever, I just crowned him King of the Righties. So, let's see if we can get it to trend. He'll be really confused.)
But back to the trending BuzzFeed collection of worst things for lefties. ...
It actually begins with spiral notebooks and three-ring binders. These seem to be the bane of lefty student existence. Your writing arm just can't handle the metal interference.
In college I was keenly aware of this horrible injustice, and as an act of solidarity I refused to take notes. Or go to class. Or study.
One more quick, noteworthy inclusion on BuzzFeed's list that's worth mentioning here is the standard can opener. This is sort of the poster child for left-handed culinary inequality, and I desperately wanted to know what it felt like to fail at peas.
To experience the anguish, I stopped writing, went over to the kitchen, turned the handle away from me and pried open a can just like a lefty.
Conclusion: Wasn't that hard? We really need to stop giving this device so much respect.
Nevertheless, we still have to support the lefties in our lives. According to most expert estimates, roughly 10% of the population is left-handed. They're everywhere! And you probably know one.
So, as we're here celebrating the very first National Right Handed Pride Day, take a few short moments to look that special lefty in your life right in the eyes and offer a few words of encouragement.
"Dave, I just want you to know that despite the fact that you can't use a dry erase board, I respect you. But not as much as Craig Ferguson."